November 2nd, 2009] [
“Be yourself, everybody else is already taken” – Oscar Wilde, I don’t read Wilde, but this quote makes me seem smart. 
Everybody always say:”just be yourself!”
I think that is the most overused advice from in the personal development history. Everybody says it, but does everybody actually practice it? As a matter a fact, does everybody even know how to practice it?
I’m writing this post today, not because I want to show you how to, but because honestly, I want to tell you all that I simply do not know how to myself.
There, I said it; I have no idea how to be myself. Instead I see myself act differently various situations. There is never a time when I’m just always the same type of person in various occasions.
The truth of who we are…what is it? Tell me seriously, I don’t know.
I’m being truthful here; I act completely differently on the internet than I do in real life. In real life, I do not act as expressive as I do (how could I, come on, I would be thoroughly exhausted). In real life, I do not act as silly as I do in my comics (okay, maybe a little bit).
But all in all, what I am saying is that, I am myself on the web, but I am also another version of myself in real life (I’m not saying that on the internet is my fake life…come on that’s ridiculous…:S)
Speaking of real life, it’ll get even more complicated:
- When I’m in school, I am myself – school version.
- When I am in the bus, I am myself – passenger version.
- When I’m buying something, I am myself – customer version.
- When I’m with my family, I am myself – son version.
- When I am with my close friends, I am myself – friend version.
So who is the real me? Am I the comics guy Steven on the internet? Or am I the Steven in real life who really doesn’t talk as much as he thinks?
Here I am, writing a blog on personal development, sharing things that I’ve collected from my desperate years of growth, yet, doing so makes me put on a façade.
I am spreading the message of just being yourself, when I am lost within the immersion of social roles, having inconsistent philosophies and personalities.
Maybe you’d think it is natural for me to feel this way as I am only 19 years of age – the age of the most arrogant, ego driven type who think they know what they are talking about. Yeah, I am one of them.
But this is different, because even if you are 40 years old, or even 60 years old, you could just be acting your way through your whole life without you even knowing it.
So let me ask you a question, how’s your acting in real life?
Stop being yourself and blend in!
I remember when I was young, and I went to the malls with my mom. I saw her acting in completely different ways to strangers. I was well aware of the huge differences, and I wondered why people would ever want to do that…why would they act and hide?
I remembered my days growing up, I had so many questions. When I was a child, I had the gift of what billions of adults want in their lives. I had the gift of freely being myself.
But guess what happened? I grew up! I was somehow taught that being myself would get me judged in ways I wouldn’t like, being myself and being different gets me separated from others.
So what did I do? I had to adapt and survive. In other words, I had to blend in. I quickly started to copy the behaviors that our cultures promote, and hindered behaviors that our cultures and my peers looked down upon.
Culture, tells me to appear apathetic
As much as I hate to admit it, we’ve all been conditioned in a subconscious and sometimes in a conscious sense that we must change to live for the world – and not for ourselves. I for one have trained myself to appear apathetic in public, hooray! And I bet you have been too.
What a dumb thing that was for me. Now when I go on the bus, I just act like this apathetic bus passenger, just like anyone else. I put on my ear phones and I ignore people sitting beside me. Why do I perform such indifferent act and produce such a cold vibes?
Because our culture promote that behavior. Because that is the “normal” behavior. That is what an “average” person would do.
Seriously, every time I get on the bus, I really have a strong urge to just talk to the person sitting beside me.
I feel like saying to him/her: “Wouldn’t it be great, if everyone just hugged everyone right now? Why do we have to be so cold with each other, the atmosphere is so full of judgments and assumptions and ultimately ego driven separating behaviors. Why on Earth would anyone want to do that?”
But, my adaptive mind kicks in, it tells me:”no no no…people will think you’re weird! Why would you go talk to a stranger with such personal thoughts…JUST ACT like you don’t care!…just take in the role of a normal bus passenger!”
What does culture tell you?
Ask yourself, when was the last time you actually felt like you were your authentic self? In my opinion, different versions of ourselves appear depending on the circumstances, and by letting those versions of us take over, we mask over our authentic beings.
For instance:
- When you are a shopping at a mall, you immediately take in the role of being a “customer”.
- When you are seeing a doctor, you take the role of a patient.
- When you are near a child, you take the role of a superior adult.
- When you are at school, you take in the role of a student.
- When you are with a partner, you take in the role of a lover.
- When you are hanging out, you take the role of a friend.
- When you do a blog, you take the role of a blogger – who needs to have a good message in their posts, and should have good grammar…
So, do our actions, thoughts, and even personalities simply become dependent on various external environments? How are we supposed to just be ourselves, when we can change how we act so easily depending on the situations we are in? Is there even any chances in life that we can actually even express our authenticity?
Even when you are in a serious relationship, you could simply just be taking on a role of being a lover, instead of really just expressing your sincerity.
It isn’t because that you are faking your love when you are taking a role of the lover, but simply, you are following the foot-steps that our culture has shown you in terms of being in a relationship.
Cultures have shown you what is there to fear when you are in a relationship, what is there to gain, what kind of person you should be with, and what kind of person should be avoided.
Love now has become a game between the two partners, instead of a true establishment of connection from their pure authenticity.
How do you unlock you as in your true presence? How do you stop playing games and acting through?
Simply, yet difficultly, be yourself, don’t hold yourself back because that is the culturally trained version of yourself trying to tell you that you are ridiculous.
We’ve forgotten how to just be, but we’ve learn how to be accepted
The true authenticity of a character shines through the most when you are a child. Free from social structured norms and rules. Free from peer examinations. And best of all, free from self-doubts.
Without all of those things, what is left is something so pure and sincere…I call it “YOU”.
So, the next time you hear a phrase “just be yourself”; seriously, don’t make a commitment right after that and try to be yourself.
Because once you do that, you are not being yourself; you are trying to act like the person in which you think you are yourself. You cannot try to be yourself, you can only just be.
The phrase “just be yourself” isn’t a phrase for the upgrade of our beliefs or actions, but rather a reminder that it is okay to let go of the rules that were bestowed upon by our ultimate dictating leader called “society”.
- I am at the age, where I have conditioned my mind to think in certain ways which I can hinder my authentic character for the audience of the public, yet I can still recall what it was like to go through the process of trying to fit it.
- Many people of the older generations have already forgotten their “fitting in” process, and have long defined their selves solidly with the behaviors that our culture puts upon us.
- So, through this post, I hope you feel more aware of the truth in you. The next time you are buying something from the store, don’t act like a customer, act like yourself.
I’m trying hard not to get swirled into the social roles that I’d have to play every day, I try to be conscious of my actions and my thoughts. I want to treat the server at a restaurant as a human being just like me and not as someone who needs to make me satisfied.
Oh and also, don’t you just hate those magazines that take photos of celebrities and put a giant message on top of them that says “LOOK THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!”….WHAT?! Why would they be ANY DIFFERENT?! Well, that just goes to show you how the opportunities of immersing within social roles are everywhere.
Conclusion
Anyways, I’m sorry to have written such a long post; I promise I will cut it shorter next time. Because I know that when you play the social role of an internet surfer, your attention span is pretty much cut 200% down xD…jk
This is what happens when I write in authenticity, no acts, and no fears. Just me; and stuff just flow right now, what a surprise huh?
Lastly, I want to leave you all with this message:
Just be, don’t act.
PS: Thanks Zeenat for providing the quote Possibilities & Individualities. You got me thinking with that quote, and inspired me to write this post.
Hi Steven.
I like that part about the various versions we have. The more I connect my versions, the better I do, but I have certainly wasted a lot of energy having various versions. We use loads of our effort to maintain each version, without actually seeing if it is worth it.
Culture sure does tell us to be apathetic, but we have to remember that there are individuals that benefit from us being apathetic, hoping that we remain that way, or else society wouldn’t be stuck in that condition.
The length of this post was just great, as you covered a lot of valid points. I think material like this serves to help conquer the useless frameworks certain folks would like to box us in.
Thanks for this.
Armen Shirvanian´s last blog ..Competition Discussed By 8 Personal Development Writers
Armen – Hey Armen, thanks for stopping by. I know what you mean when you say that there are individuals that benefit from us being apathetic. But surely, I like to believe that those people who react negatively to anything outside of apathy in public are not operating under their authenticity. But rather, they are also immersed in a “version” that has been trained by our culture and their experiences. They are driven by their “ego” and not what lies underneath.
But anyways, that is just a personal opinion, because seriously I am not enjoying the apathy in public situations, the atmosphere is just dull and cold.
Thank you Armen for commenting and reading
And yes, I like to think outside the *box*.
Very cool post Steven (although a bit long
) As far as being yourself, I will tell you that I did an experiment last summer where I would remove all filters from conversations with people I had just met and I had almost a magnetic effect on them. Pretty cool stuff when you can really let it go and just be.
Srinivas Rao´s last blog ..Guest Post: Life Lessons. The F-word and Children. Don’t Do It.
Hey Srinivas!
Thank you for dropping by and leaving a comment! Greatly appreciated!
Yes I agree with what you said about removing the “filters”. I have done so many times myself, where I just remove all of my thoughts while talking to that person. I remember I had no judgments, no fears, no doubts, it was such a great connection, and I was surprised to know how similar that person was to me!
Anyways, we all gotta remove those filters more often, not just with other people but being genuinely ourselves, free of judgments and worries. Living life with the only side of us that is NOT FICITICIOUS, and living in a time of the world where it can ONLY EXIST – NOW.
Steven
Steven Oh Philosophical one
I like how just one quote can get you thinking so deeply. Me likey your brain pattern
You have indeed explained the whole thing so well.
I agree with you..that if we take away whats dominated by the outside world or outside influences..what is left…..
That what is left..the pure,untouched, unbiased soul….is our “true self”. And that true self needs to come out. It needs to be the dominant one rather than this influenced , biased and jundgmental self…
So in conclusion…i think we should first change ourself..and then expect to lead by example
Too much blah blah for you isnt it
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Yippee!!!8 Point Plan-Update
Hey Zeenat! I’m glad you dropped by! I got more funny stuff for you later! xD
No…its not too much blah blah Zeenat, you always talk so elegantly lol. I need to learn from you.
But you say is absolutely true, people are so identified with their perceptions of identities and realities, that they completely miss out what is underneath perceptions.
Underneath perception is where no judgments and comparison can occur. Everything is still and just is. We all have that in ourselves, its just that sometimes we are smart enough to have thoughts but not quite aware enough to get out of them.
Give me more blah blah!
Steven
Steven,
When I read the part about being on a bus, you wanting to talk to the person next to you, and wanting everyone to give each other a hug, I got the HUGEST smile on my face!!!
That was just so awesome and I’ve felt that way many times, too.
This post was just great, Steven, I loved it. I love the energy you bring to your writing. I think you’re just great.
About the long post, no worries. I think when you want to write a deeper, longer post, you should do it. From my perspective, if I see a longer post, I may need to come back to it at a time I can fully engage and absorb it, but I did come back and I think others will, as well.
I’m really glad I met you and you’ve brought so many smiles to my face in such a short time.
Keep up the great work and THANK YOU!!
~xo
Lori´s last blog ..Random Acts of Kick Arse: Update
Hey Lori!
Thank you for coming and commenting and actually reading!
haha, I’m so glad that I’m not alone on thinking that everyone should hug each other on the bus. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not insane!
Well, it’s either that or we could be insane together! xD lol jk
Also thank you for the compliments for the post and me, I really appreciate them! About the length of the posts, I think I might shorten them a bit later on. I tend to have a habit for writing in too much detail, so I will work on that further…I will get to the point in less than 10 paragraphs I promise xD! But thank you for coming back and reading it again, I hope others will actually come back too
I’m really glad I met you too, because without your encouragements and awesomeness, I wouldn’t be as motivated as I am now
.
Steven
Hilarious. Thanks for making me laugh. “Be yourself” has become one of those meaningless expressions. Maybe overuse made it so.
I think it’s totally normal to have a few different versions of yourself. The way you behave when meeting your new girlfriend’s parents will obviously be quite different from the moves you pulled on the dance floor which hooked the new chick in the first place.
Do you speak a second language? It gives you a whole new personality to enjoy. Maybe we are trapped here speaking the language of self-development and so finding it hard to express our true selves. Well, I think that last sentence proved my point there. Sorry!
As for being yourself, you’re right. It’s stupid. If we just lounge around in bed farting, burping and scratching ourselves we’re not going to get very far in life. But it’s okay to have multiple personalities. We’re all quite complex and it is possible to be, for example, a belly-dancing, poet/teacher who likes to travel rough.
I often strike up conversations with strangers. Some rush off with their tail between their legs to report my suspicious behavior at the nearest police station. Others get right into it and share a yarn. Try taking your headphones off and listening to the world. Get out of your bubble and be yourself. I don’t care which version of you… any will do.
Thanks for writing, I enjoyed the read:)
Hey Annabel, thanks for coming by and commenting!
I agree with you, “be yourself” certainly is one of those meaningless expressions that everybody says. That isn’t the problem though, I think the problem is that people are either putting that phrase into the wrong use, or they don’t even consider using it in the first place!
Yes, I do hear you when you say it is normal to have different versions of yourself – thus doing different things. Like the example you provided above with the parents and the dance floor. However, I am simply believing that sincerity is the ultimate answer that solves any complications. And being sincere I simply mean to have the qualities of appreciation, acceptance, expression, connection, compassion and contribution integrated into your daily lives all the time. Many people shut certain qualities down during different times, simply because they feel that certain qualities of their sincerity isn’t appropriate for the circumstance.
That is what I meant by the different versions – maybe I should have added those in…hm…
And yes I do speak a second language, and that is English xD Chinese is my first lol But I do get what you mean there, there are certain phrases and words in one language and culture that are just more emphasized and used than the other, and that causes people to act and feel differently when they speak different languages.
I appreciate your very thoughtful comment! And I’d take off my headphones more on the bus, but all I hear is the loud bus engine lol.
I’m glad you enjoyed my post!
Steven
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